The Peoples Monastery

Monk’s Journal 4-24-08



My mind is very full yet feels empty due to the numbness of my emotions.  For years I have been resisting going “all the way” inside of my vocation.  To wholly submit myself to the Universal God.  The reality is that either I do it now or I will struggle and have to do it later.  But by that point how many scars will I have accumulated?  How much valuable time would I have wasted?  How much harder will it be in the future than if I fully submit in the present?  This is my issue.  So much of my past has fallen behind me.  Parts of myself fade every moment of the day.  I look at myself in the mirror and the eyes looking back at me appear foreign.  In all fairness, I love the light that they hold.  They sparkle and shine.  Yet I understand the price that I must pay for such light.  It is the price of my soul.


I know people who are married who speak of the challenges of matrimony.  In many ways my covenant with God is no different.  When I lock eyes with an attractive person and feel that euphoric electricity, I feel that I am betraying my partner.  There are times when my marriage is wonderful and everything is blissful and flowing magnificently.  Then there are other times when I just want to call it quits and run away.   The difference between my marriage and other people’s is that if I ever leave my spouse I would be completely lost.  Also, certain aspects of marriage between humans do not hold the same level of ramifications as matrimony with the Most High.  If I am going to feel such a thing, God is the only presence that I could deem worthy of such trials, tribulations and mask donning.


Accepting my vocation is the hardest challenge I have ever been given.  The more I accept it the more that I realize that it has been with me for a very long time.  I am a soul that cannot function effectively without a strict, consistent and total spiritual practice.  Without it I am left too vulnerable to soul-murdering confusion and folly. 


I am not attempting to escape anything.  This is why it is so difficult for people to understand the inner workings of a vocation.  It is not a conscious choice.  It is not in my power to proclaim that I will simply abandon my monkhood and date and “be free”.  Sure I could physically and emotionally do these things but it would tear my soul apart.  The tricky thing is that non-monastics and non-ascetics think I am making a judgment regarding their actions when I state these vows for myself.   We all have our own individual limits, boundaries and callings.  I can only account for my own.  Account for it with all of my imperfections, shortcomings and “skeletons”.


I have been striving to understand how small and fortunate my calling is versus the ones of some of the great prophets in history.  I am not called to be a prophet.  I am called to be a monk.  God is not asking me to be crucified on a cross for the sins of humans.  Nor am I being asked to fight a war in the name of God and freedom.  Nor am I being asked to lead a people out of slavery from a dictatorship.  Nor am I being asked to endure imprisonment of my entire blood and spiritual community for my beliefs of unification among all religions.  Nor am I even being asked to uphold my monastic vows as a group of people raid my country, torture me and make me a prisoner within the walls of a monastery where I knew enlightenment and peace.  It is for this reason why monks are vowed to spiritual study.  There needs to be that reminder and inspiration from those great divine souls who answered the call for the salvation of themselves and others.  Some of these callings are monumental and some are small.  My own happens to be small…nevertheless I plan to answer it. 


I am going to honor God before all else.  Nothing can be lost from a full acceptance of my vocation.  There is just so much more to gain.  This I believe to be true. 


1 Comment so far
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Remember Dearling,
Even the great monks and spiritual leaders down the centuries did not necessarily know how great or small their contribution would be. They knew only that they were called and that it would be difficult.
The greatest thing you do is to honor your commitment. By that simple act, with its complex ramifications you transcend. You live the example. You teach by being.
We see you.
We honor you.

Comment by Janine Carter

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